He Couldn't Let Her Go
by IfEverythingElseTurnsToDirt
Summary: Jesse feels like he's dying because, it hurts to be fiercely in love with someone who obviously didn't want you in the end.   Mutli-Chapter   PLEASE READ AND REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah, so this came to while I was listening to "Like We Used To" by A Rocket to The Moon. It stars Jesse , mostly. I decided last minute to change it into a multi-chapter story because, it pained me to know that I wouldn't know how Jesse would go on.**

**So stay tuned.**

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><p>He had never truly noticed all the things they shared, all the things that were so <em>them. <em>He lay there awake at 3 in the morning thinking of all the times he had held her as she fell asleep in his arms, as he had fought sleep to watch her eyes flutter closed and listen to her breath as she fell deeper into sleep. He remembered the first morning that he had awoken with her at his side, it was a feeling he would never be able to describe. It was a beautiful morning, the most beautiful he had ever had until then. Now, he wakes up alone and cold, she ruined him for any other girl. No other girl would ever seem as inviting, seem as warm or seem as beautiful.

He remembers the days when they would sing until their was no breath left within them. He realizes now that he never cherished those moments as much as he should have. They always rang in perfect harmony and no note ever faltered when they sang their duets. He remembers the one day where they had sat at the piano and written a song together, it was the most meaningful moment in his life. He had never shared his talent of music authorship with anyone else and he remembered the smile that graced her face as he had pulled out the sheet music to show her his original pieces.

As pathetic as it might be, he usually stays home on weekends to watch the movies they used to watch together. He specifically went out and bought all her favorites, he sits there and remembers the exact moments she had and will always love. He smiles at the memories no matter how sad they may seem to him now. As he sits there, he sometimes notices that he should move on, that maybe it's time that he forget about her, but he knows that there will never be anyone like her ever again in his life.

He knows that forgetting her is plausible, but frankly to him it's impossible. It's now 8 in morning as he lays there and thinks to himself that it should be him that she's with, it should be me instead of him, he thinks to himself. He hasn't gotten sleep in the past couple of days because, he walked into the store and their song had begun playing over the loud speaker. He had wanted to run from the memories that had like a tidal wave, engulfed his mind. he endured the torture that they caused because, it was better than forgetting. His heart broke and like a mad man he had stood there as the tears flowed.

He wakes up every morning and just hopes that she's happy because, if Finn doesn't love Rachel like he loved her then, he has no idea what could hurt more, losing her to some idiot or knowing that she still won't know true happiness. He envisions her dressed in white, ready to get married in just a couple of hours and it fucking kills him inside because, dammit, it should definitely be him waiting on the other end of the aisle not that idiot.

"Rachel, please," he begs. "Please." He falls to his knees in the middle of the aisle because, fuck, how could he not, they said speak now.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading, readers :D<strong>

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW :D It will lessen Jesse's suffering ;D**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, yeah I did not really like how this chapter turned out, but if you enjoy it so be it. I am far more interested in the events that shall take place in the next chapter.**

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><p>If his eighteen year old self could look at him, he would most likely be disappointed at what he had become. He was humiliating himself for a chance with a girl, that he might never get. This wasn't just any girl to him, she couldn't possibly be if Jesse St. James was willing to beg her to not get married to another man. He knew that he probably seemed and very much looked like a madman as he lay crumpled in the middle of the aisle, but he could care less.<p>

He had interrupted a wedding whether it was because, he truly knew that Rachel could not be happy with Finn or his own damn pitiful selfish reasons. He didn't dare look at Finn because, he knew what look what be plastered on his face nor, did he look at the audience that surrounded them. The only person he wanted to see was Rachel and for fuck's sake, she looked marvelous in that white gown. His eyes slowly found their way to her eyes and their was nothing but confusion and anger with a hint of emotion that he could not detect. _So much for knowing her better than anyone else, _he thought to himself. He was there, on his knees in the middle of a church full of family and friends of Rachel and Finn and he couldn't help but give himself props because, damn if anyone claimed that his entrance wasn't amazing they, would surely be lying.

He kept staring at Rachel because, there was really no one else he had come here to see. Their eyes had remained locked since the instance they crossed paths and he pleaded with her without saying a word. He wanted to cry, to let out every single emotion that he had held within himself since, the last moment he had seen her. He wanted to scream at her, ask her what in the world had compelled her to break his heart the way she had, he wanted to shout profanities at both her and her soon to be husband, but all he could do was stay, kneeled on the ground, looking more broken than he felt and beg her to not do this. "Please," a simple whisper, that meant more than he could ever put into words. She forcefully, it seemed, pulled her eyes away from his.

He had become so wrapped up in her eyes, in his own thoughts that he had not noticed the growing commotion around him. There were silent whispers throughout the whole cathedral and many, many glares directed his way. He was rather confused, it amazed him that no one had dragged him off the premises. Of course, many of these people were here from Lima, he could not find it in himself to admit that their brains worked that fast. He looked back up to the altar, his eyes widened as he realized that there was in fact no Rachel standing next to her beloved Hudson. He scanned the room catching no glimpse of a white anywhere around. A small part of him panicked and he looked around once more once again he came up empty. Seeing as to how everyone was otherwise preoccupied, he quickly ran out wondering where in the hell Rachel Berry had gone.

The last glimpse he got of the girl he was in love with was as he saw her get into a cab and speed off into the busy streets of New York City.

It remained a mystery to this day, to almost everyone, especially the Broadway community where Rachel Berry, their new rising star had gone. The only person who seemed to know where she was, was Kurt Hummel and as much as Jesse had pleaded, as much as he had done to prove that he in fact would never hurt Rachel again, and no matter how much pity he felt rolling off in waves from both Kurt and his husband Blaine, Kurt remained firm. It had been 6 months since anyone had seen any glimpse of Rachel anywhere and it killed Jesse to know that she was out there free as a bird while, he remained her prisoner. He damned his heart for continuing to love her after all this time, but he knew that no matter how much he would claim that he wanted to forget her, that last memory he had of her would forever be burned in his memory.

She ran, he did not understand what had compelled her to fucking run. She had never been afraid of anything and it was making his head spin because, that was so not Rachel.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he chanted like a mantra every time that his mind would wander to her. He needed to know and now where the hell this girl had run to. His only logic step was to take a short visit down to Lima, Ohio, the one place who would surely know where Rachel Berry had run off to. He needed to visit her fathers because, whether he knew it or not he was aware of the people in the church that day and as he had fallen to his knees to beg her to not say 'I do' her fathers seemed to breath an audible sigh of relief.

He only hoped that it was enough to finally be reunited with Rachel, to find someway in which he could capture her heart once more because, if she came back and went back to Hudson, who would surely take her back in a heartbeat, it wouldn't simply just tear his fucking heart open. No, it would be far worse because, he would not be able to take the pain that evaded his being, it would hurt a million times more and he had already felt numb inside, almost dead. If she couldn't love him anymore it was surely kill him, he'd be a dead man walking.

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><p><strong>Sooo there you are.<strong>

**Please Read and Review :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a long chapter. I focused more on Jesse, his purpose and his history as a human being. **

**I like it, if you do not please comment on why.**

**I do not own Glee Dx and yeaaah.**

**So enjoy :DDD**

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><p>Being here, it made him feel empty, more than that, he was just walking through the motions. He did not know how to react to the quiet, almost country-like town that he had grown to love. Of course, he had not lived in Lima itself and had landed in Akron, where he had originally come from, but all of Ohio, was not much different than the rest of Ohio. So, as he headed to motion for a taxi, he remembered that they were plentiful around here, Akron was not very busy. He fiddled with the zipper of his suitcase, still deciding whether being here was a good idea or not. The decision was made for him as a taxi settled itself right in front of him.<p>

The driver asked if her needed a lift and he nodded, the driver opened the trunk and Jesse slowly picked up his suitcase and stuffed it into the trunk. He slid into the cab of the car and gave directions to the nicest hotel near Lima. As he sat there, he looked around and noticed that even though he had left Ohio almost 10 years ago, nothing much had changed maybe, a few new businesses here and there, but it almost felt like he was 18 again, traveling the 50+ miles to Rachel, on their first date. It was exactly the same scenery as he made it into the outskirts of Lima and it scared him to death because, he somehow felt like time travel was possible. If only, it were he would make no hesitation to go back to the times he had with Rachel and he would make it his duty to make right by her.

Alas, it was not the year 2010 as he stepped foot on the Ohio pavement of 2017. He slid his suitcase from the truck and proceeded to check into his Hotel. He tapped his fingers on top of the marble countertop and looked around the small space only to notice one slightly familiar face. It could not be yet, it was, he wondered if his eyesight was failing him as he caught sight of a very impatient looking Quinn Fabray. He focused on her, all forgetting what exactly he was waiting for and just watched every move she made. She looked as if she were obviously waiting for someone and he was slightly surprised and appalled to see who exactly it was. He wanted to almost laugh at the look he imagined he had on his face when he saw no other than Finn Hudson bend down and give Quinn a quick kiss on the lips. They soon walked out hand in hand to the streets of Lima. It was only then that he had become aware of the "Mr St. James! Mr. St. James, are you alright?" that rang beside him. He shook his head and replied that he was fine. He rolled his eyes at the "If you say so" he received from the concierge.

Suite 102 read the card he had been handed, he wanted to imagine that maybe, he was going to have a very accommodating room in this so-called Hotel. Fortunately, for him it seemed to be quaint yet, perfect. He needed something like this, if just for a few days as he went about his business. He had decided to take a quick nap and then go have dinner, but he seemed quite jet-lagged and fell asleep through the whole night. In the morning, he awoke feeling groggy, much unlike himself. He wandered to the restroom and took a shower, during the shower, he contemplated what exactly he wanted to do here and of course the first thing he wanted to do was leave, but visiting Rachel's dads and kicking Finn Hudson's ass for having turned to Quinn after a case of runaway bride weren't ideas he was opposed to. So, he decided that todays activity was visit with the fathers of the "runaway bride." He took to walking around, besides, this time of year the weather in Lima, was beautiful.

It was silly of him to believe that he would not be recognized while, he chose to not acknowledge that the people in Ohio had any true understanding of Broadway, he knew he was wrong. He did not roll his eyes at the excitement that the small teenagers that came up to him held in their eyes as they asked for an autograph/picture. He welcomed their welcoming and it only made him want to cry because, they all held such high dreams and he knew that only a select few if any would make it to the top. He remembered when he was a young boy hoping to land it big, but it took a couple years of struggle to get there and he knew that many would have broken half way through his journey, but he had felt pain before and he was almost immune to disappointment by that point. It was no mystery to anyone that St. James had lived in a troubled home, with neglectful parents, a drugged out brother, and a sister with an eating disorder, he refused to talk about it most of the time, but he had created a sort of reputation to being heartless in the Broadway community and he found that he needed to explain what caused him to be so cold blooded. It was not just the home life he had lived that caused his heart to almost cease any amount of emotion, it was also caused by another Broadway starlet, a beautiful one who was bound to marry another in just a few short months after that interview. He wondered if she had read it, if the guilt had consumed her making her want to forget all the pain she had caused.

It seemed to him, that she held no remorse then or now about the events that had taken place between them. He walked past the music store where they had first spoken and it almost killed him to see her on the poster of the revival of _Oklahoma! _she had been set to star in exactly 5 months ago and it felt like he was just receiving blow after blow as he was brought to the moment after Spring Break when he had seen her practice the ballet scene in the show because, he had longed since that moment to be her Curly. God, he felt as if he were obsessed with the idea of having Rachel, being able to recall almost every moment they had been together was a natural habit, but he had never forced himself to remember like he was doing now. He had opened the flood gates as he opened the door of the store and stepped in. It was an eerie feeling of Deja Vu that passed through him as he took in every detail of the store, nothing had truly changed, it was as if he had walked right into the past and every single thing had been left untouched, pure. He walked around not really knowing what he was looking for until, his eyes set on the first place he had seen her. He remembered how he had caught sight of her for only a second before the Lionel Ritchie music book had obstructed his view, as ridiculous as it might seem he had been jealous of the book, she had held the book in her hands and the book could see her beautiful face while, Jesse stood in the wings waiting for his chance. It took all of 10 seconds for him to make his decision and begin walking up to her and out of pure longing he brought the book down before even speaking a word.

She looked almost afraid of the boy that stood in front of her that day maybe, she knew that St. James was bad news, but who could ever really know that their demise would be caused as a team. She was flustered as he acknowledged her and seemed to struggle putting words together as she said he was Jesse St. James. He smirked knowing that the charm was perfectly intact after some long awaited use. Rachel Berry, it was almost as if she were truly here, her scent flooded his senses and the images played over and over almost like a movie. He wanted to laugh at the thought, Rachel Berry, always wanted to be a star and even before she had made it big, Jesse, had already created an almost completely factual biography of her life. It was scary to believe that they had known each other so well and that their dreams were one in the same, but it was what had attracted Jesse, it was her talent and her beauty, it was everything about her that drew him in and she had caught him, he didn't even fight the fall. It was crazy to believe that the once player, had been caught at his own game. She was an innocent girl, she knew nothing about love, but maybe, it was her naivete that made him fall, it was simply how she had really nothing to fear, how she still believed that there was good in the world. She let Jesse live in the beautiful world she did, the moments he had with her were almost like paradise, the moments they shared were what made him forget how truly miserable he was inside.

It is uncertain whether Rachel, truly taught Jesse how to live again, but it was absolutely clear that she had taught him how to love, again. He had been in love only once before and the heartbreak he had felt then had almost made him break. It was Summer of 2006 that Jesse, had met Lauren. She was a junior at that one school for all girls, the name was mentioned so long ago he couldn't fathom ever remembering and he was just a soon to be freshman. They had there whirl wind summer romance that only many achieved to live, but in the end it turned out to all be a lie. Lauren, was not with him because she liked him or because she ever truly loved him, she was there because, she had no one else to turn to when her boyfriend of 4 years had dumped her. It was exactly one month and two weeks into their relationship that she had told him that she only needed a shoulder to lean on and that as perfect as their relationship may have seemed it was not. She told him that she kind of pitied all the effort he put in because, it would have never truly made a difference about how she had felt about him and it would not have changed the love she still felt for, Thomas. It seemed that Thomas wanted her back after that month apart, apparently he had told her that he could not live without her and that he would never cheat on her again. Jesse, let her go she wanted to believe a lie and so he let her and from that moment he knew that he could never allow himself to be vulnerable, not again. So, he turned into the Jesse that everyone at Carmel knew, the heartless, vindictive, heartbreaking, and show choir champion Jesse St. James. He was the star of their school, he was not scared of anyone and while the football team was good they could always be knocked down a peg if they got too cocky, Jesse was the star of show choir, but he knew how to play football, very well.

Jesse was a boy of many hidden secrets and the one he had kept for years was the love he still felt for Rachel Berry, he never dated because, she had ruined him. He never even attempted to woo any of his cast mates no matter how much they threw themselves at him. If Jesse, was being honest he never allowed himself to feel again because, he had no heart, Rachel had taken it with her and it seemed that she was adamant about not giving it back to him, ever.

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><p><strong>PLEASE REVIEW.<strong>

**Thanks for reading :D**


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